Alpha Mail: Diagnosis Gammma 3

The third and final part of GW's email:

This loosely relates to the bottom part of list about women

I've made shockingly poor decisions over the years. Going abroad with one woman after only knowing her for a month or so, given my own limitations/problems and that she appeared a little highly strung herself this was never going to work. She needs somebody who's a bit of a rock, perhaps like most women. I think my anxiety, insecurity all those things probably make most women very uncomfortable or even repulsed.

I remember an incident on that holiday that stuck with me. Walking back to room from beach, she was wearing a top but had not put her bikini top back on. A group of "lads" made a comment towards her, cant remember what it was but was to do with lack of bikini underneath. My reaction was really poor I think I slightly moved away from her, not a lot, but body language that I'm guessing is me backing down to bigger males. I also didn't put my arm round her or anything like that. Completely bottled it. She wasn't happy with this at all, and once we moved away from them she said why didn't I say something etc. I think having run this over a thousand times I should have moved round between them and her, put my arm round her, and either said something or gave them a look. Ive no idea what though. My natural reaction there seems to be back down.

We also had a "fight" where I got slapped across the face. I was boiling over at the time but had no idea what to do. I'm glad I didn't hit back I think if I had things would have got a lot worse.

Moral factors aside, I don't see what is wrong with going on a trip with a woman one doesn't know well. If you don't know her well before it, you certainly will after it. Like most Gammas, GW's instincts are bad with regards to women, and the combination of his cowardly reactions with his tendency to narcissistically overanalyze himself tends to create a downward spiral.

It's fine not to say anything back to a group of men when you're outnumbered and they are looking for an excuse to impress a girl by beating you up. But actually ceding her to them on the basis of the threat they are offering, which is what he metaphorically did with his moving away from her, was pretty bad. In that sort of situation, she's not necessarily looking for you to go and get yourself killed, but she is looking for reassurance that you will defend her if necessary. As GW surmises, the right thing to do would have been to make a protective gesture, such as putting your arm around her. The Alpha response of angrily shouting back at the group and challenging them would have been the wrong one; this is why Alphas get their asses kicked nearly as often as the lowest ranks do.

Backing down is not always bad. And there are better and worse ways to back down. I probably would have just raised an eyebrow and snorted at them myself. However, what compounded the error was when he let her slap him across the face; she already viewed him as a coward of sorts, and she confirmed it later when he let her physically dominate him too. You don't have to hit a woman back (although I would, and have), but you do need to physically dominate her and make her submit and apologize if she strikes you. The "I'm a stoic man and I don't care" routine is correctly perceived as psychological weakness, especially in response to something as openly challenging and dismissive as a slap. If you spin her around, put her in an arm bar, and shove her down on the bed or over a couch as if you're about to take her from behind, then tell her to apologize, she will not have any cause for complaint about you hitting her back nor will she view you as weak and submissive.

Another way to respond to being slapped by a woman is to spit in her face. The slap is not meant to seriously harm, it is primarily a gesture of contempt. But spitting is even more contemptuous, leaves no marks, and is probably more psychologically damaging to a woman than being slapped or hit. I could be wrong, but I suspect most women would rather be shoved or slapped than have a man spit in her face.

I also went to Northern Spain with another woman in more trying circumstances as we went in a van, on ferry, and through France. I found this very hard. Given I was completely out of my comfort zone I just ended up doing whatever she told me to do. This seemed to quite suit her and she was happy driving the van and leading the way, inside I was unravelling gradually, didn't help that French people seemed to stare at us a lot. Not sure whether her driving the van and me looking completely lost showed, may just be paranoid about that. Given she wasn't approving of me drinking on the way my normal crutch wasn't available. By the time I got to destination I was ready to burst. She appeared to have no idea whatsoever that I wasn't happy about it all. To what extent it shows her lack of perception or my ability to hide myself I'm not sure. I have been told before that I can hide my feelings well, or at least people don't realize what I'm thinking. I don't really agree with them, I think the signals are there just some people don't seem to see them. I feel like my internal insecure self is completely transparent to people.

I'll add one more thing. I went on holiday for a week with parents, my sister, her two sons and the father of the youngest boy. Again a poor decision for me to go given I know what I'm like I will struggle to handle it and end up being hard work for other people. There wasn't anything that particularly stood out but I felt to some degree like a sullen adolescent, given I was 38 this just encourages me to hate myself. My father hired a van and did the driving, my sister and boyfriend did a lot of the cooking, he's a chef. I did very little and wasn't really expected too. The only time i was enjoying myself was in the pool with the oldest brother messing about jumping on lilos etc, and playing with the little one pushing him around in his inflatable boat.

I was drinking every day bar one where I stayed in bed most of the day. I don't think I said a lot the whole trip, but my mind would be racing over and over thinking what I should be saying, or asking myself why I'm not saying anything. There was one evening where I got a bit ranty but generally speaking nothing particularly bad happened. Too me though in my head the trip was disastrous, there was no animosity but I didn't talk to my parents for a few weeks after and also stopped going out on fridays because one of the guys knew I was going and I didn't want to have to talk about it. I'm not sure why it seems disastrous to me though. Am I just expecting too much of myself? I think I should have helped out with the food more but other than that I didn't really have any responsibilities. I just feel like I should be more enthusiastic about things, take the lead in some way, I just felt like a dead weight floating along. I'd love for those boys to look up to me etc but I just feel completely pathetic. I don't know perhaps its all to do with alcohol and "depression" and I'm just over thinking everything.

The biggest problem that I see here is GW is hyper self-conscious. He seldom simply acts, but he is constantly attempting to manage the narrative. How did I come off to X there? If I say A, will that make her say B or C? He is, without question, overthinking everything. A normal Delta would love to go on a vacation with his family and have no responsibilities for a change. But since GW has so few responsibilities, it's not a vacation for him, it's a reminder that he isn't a normal boy, which then makes him feel insecure, which then makes him obsess more about it, and so on into the downward spiral.

GW is, quite simply, jumping at shadows. He is so obsessed with himself that he cannot even realize that NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT WHAT HE DOES. I would remind him to recall how much he thought about what the guy who knew he was going on the trip was doing. That's exactly how much thought the guy gave to his trip.

Of course, lets face it, as afraid as he was that the guy might ask about the trip, GW would probably find a way to be offended if the guy didn't ask, then demand to know why the guy hadn't asked about it. This is how Gammas construct their own prisons.

So, here is my advice:

• Stop getting drunk. Three drinks max per day, no more.
• Get over yourself. Your self-obsession is destroying you. Try focusing on others instead of yourself. Don't tell them what to do, don't advise them, but ask them what they think, what they want, and ask if you can help them.
• Push yourself into your discomfort zone. Compete at a higher level. Ask out a prettier girl than you normally would. Realize that failing is nothing to fear.
• Always remember that other people care no more about your feelings and actions than you do about theirs. You are not the center of the universe. You are barely the pimple on the butt of the flea on the dog that is owned by someone who leaves very far out on the periphery of the universe, just like everyone else.

Posted in: Gamma